tf5

Transformers: The Last Knight is one of the WORST movies of the Transformers movie series. So much so, that I have dubbed this flick “Flaming Accelerating Runaway Trash Truck”. This “coveted” title was earned for the following reasons:

1. It stinks.
2. It’s loaded with garbage.
3. It moves too fast.
4. You want to look away, but you just can’t.

Once it comes to a stop, it leaves nothing but a huge smelly mess that you want to run away from, but you can’t forget.
Within this article I will explore my views on the latest entry into the Transformers series, and (THANKFULLY) Michael Bay’s final film in this exploited franchise.

First, let’s talk about the good.

You Sho Is Purdy!”

One thing you can count on, is that Michael Bay will give you big explosions and amazing visuals. He made great use of the IMAX cameras. The 3D effects were quite stunning and gives great detail to the massive scale of this movie. With four movies in their portfolio, it was no surprise that the rendering on the Transformers was flawless. The planetary scale of this movie makes even Independence Day feel like a grade school play.

The combat scenes are pretty well choreographed for our Cybertronian warriors with Bay, as usual, turning to the US Military for land and air support. There was no shortage of firepower… well… except for Megatron’s pathetic arm cannon. *SPOILER(there will be plenty in this review- be warned)* Megatron is supposed to be packing one of the most power individual weapons of the Decepticon army. His fusion cannon has been reduced to a rapid fire rifle or Gatling gun. But… I digress.

Alas, the crisp visuals were not enough to make this a good movie. So let’s talk about what did not work.

You Sho Is Ugly!”

There are numerous faults with this movie. If I explored every detail, you (the reader) would  fall asleep or you would get enraged, and throw your phone across the room. So let’s get started:

The Little Girl with Nothing to Do.

Isabela Moner had SOOO MUCH promise. The writers set her up to be a human version of Ratchet, but pretty much wasted a great opportunity.

Did they get the baby DinoBots off of EBay?

WHERE THE HELL DID THE BABY DINOBOTS COME FROM?

What purpose did they really serve?! Transformers don’t just make offspring? How are they going to just throw Dollar Store DinoBot in the movie like that?

The DinoBots Need a Better Agent!

They introduced the Dinobots in the last movie, and left them on a bridge. Now they have them stealing police cars, scrounging around in junkyards, and popping up out of the ground like  Robo-Groundhogs? 

Again…they have the DINOBOTS, yet they want to have a dozen ancient Autobot knights pull a Voltron, and forming a three-headed dragon.

I don’t know who their agent is, but they need to call who ever is managing Viola Davis. I just can’t with these people.

#Continuity

Can we talk about the Tank?

Let’s follow the timeline. The Tank fires a shot at “Bumblebee and Friends” (which, by the way, will probably be the name of any spin-off movie featuring Bumblebee). The Tank transforms, drops a bunch of parts, and coughs up some sludge. They pan back to Bee and Friends. Then, when they pan back to Sir “Hannibal” Burton, and the decrepit old tank has silently transformed back into vehicle mode.

Why Optimus Keep Getting his Ass Kicked?

I’m a little sick of everyone waiting for Optimus to save them and he is nowhere to be found, or dead, or trapped in some damn steel cables. Am I the only person who has noticed the writers keep going back to old story concepts? Speaking of which…

Why do they keep going back to these racially stereotypical bot personalities?!

DID THEY LEARN NOTHING FROM THE TWIN DEBACLE IN REVENGE OF THE FALLEN???

the-twins

It started with Jazz in the first movie. Then Mudflap and Skids came out of left field for the next movie. This time they have a chain wearing, hip-hop Decepticon. It is ridiculous that this continues to be allowed. It’s offensive as a hell. It’s not funny.

Stop Editing Drunk!

This movie was about as choppy as a lunch time salad in downtown DC. There were a number of scenes that jumped from one location to another without a logical transition.

Put Down The Sword, Human!

At no point should a human being engage in physical combat with a three story, three ton, mechanized warrior. Put down the sword and go back to Starbucks.

Storyline? What Storyline?

Where do I even start???? King Arthur? Knights of the Roundtable? Drunk Merlin? The Staff? The DinoBot Babies? The Witwiccans? Harriet Tubman? Lost in Space? The Young Prodigy? Hot Rod? The Inventor and the Professor? The Megatron negotiation? Cyberton? Unicron? THE FRIGGIN CREEPY TALISMAN? The Cuban Sanctuary? The Original Transformer Knights? The Three Headed Dragon?

It was a lot happening. Can we just separate Transformer history from human history, and have a movie exploring the Cybertronian Wars?

UNICRON?!?!?

They stuck Unicon INSIDE OF EARTH!!!! Whose idea was this? Can I have their cellphone number? We need to talk. They decided to stick this bama… INSIDE of Earth?!?!?!


And finally...

Let’s play Movie Bingo!

Did you notice how many different scenes felt like scenes from other movies? It was like the writers were flipping through their DVR while drafting the script. See if you can match a scene from The Last Knight with one or more of these movies.

“Fast and Furious”
“Superman Returns”
“Avatar”
“Independence Day”
“Suicide Squad”
“Lord of the Rings”
“Braveheart”
“Star Wars”
“Spectre”
“Arthur”
“Tomb Raider”
“National Treasure”
“Di Vinci Code”
“Logan”
“Jurassic Park”
“Kingsman”
“Pacific Rim”
“Stranger Things”
“Highlander”
“The Island”

The continued perversion of my childhood heroes plays out in stunning IMAX 3D. As with every other movie in this series, Transformers: The Last Knight lacks a fundamental respect for the source material. The writers and director continue to push The Transformers as a revenue generator and not the epic saga that it could be. Overall the movie focuses heavily on imagery to draw in the revenue, but does not bother to take the time to create a cohesive story and make effective use of the cast of characters. 

In recognition of the complicated storyline…

movie-rating
(Using the Geek Soul Brother system of Cosmic Afros.) My rating for Transformer: The Last Knight – One half the square root of Pi!

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